they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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