the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
