I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
