shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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