I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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