I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
