ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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