Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
