porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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