Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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