If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
