So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
