My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I have aggressive nipples.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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