Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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