I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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