i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
