I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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