Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
