There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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