Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
