don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
