I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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