We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
