It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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