yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
