The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
