I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize