Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
