I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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