Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
