A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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