a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ketchup is God's man juice
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
