So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
