i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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