two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
