Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
