I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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