she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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