Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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