in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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