i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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