I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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