Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
