hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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