If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
