it wasn't lemon gatorade
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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