Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
please come you make the beer taste better
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
