Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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