drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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