i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
