on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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