C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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