Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
