can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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