Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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