how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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