Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
