mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
