I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize