When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
