How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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