How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
