ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
did i just pee glitter
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
