His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
