Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
