Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
