If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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