mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
