I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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