If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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