Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
